Banking blues

The banks have at last introduced ATMs that accept cash on the basis that it is counted by the machine and credited directly to your account, rather than waiting to have access the next day. On the face of it, this is marvellous technology and when it works can be a life saver. Today, I went to one of my banks to make a small deposit to cover iniquitous bank charges. There were three people in front of me waiting to use the 'deposit' ATM. The elderly gentleman at the ATM appeared to be doing his monthly banking and the queue started to mutter after we had been there for 10 minutes. It eventually turned into quite a social occasion as we found all sorts of common ground associated with bank-bashing. The young man ahead of me kept on counting his notes and putting them all the right way round and in numerical order. I said he needn't worry about that as it was a clever machine and would do it for him. He told everyone his life story while we waited, and eventually the elderly gentleman finished at the ATM and walked away.

The next lady was accompanied by a bank official who showed her how to use the machine and then left. The lady after her had to call another official to show her how to use it.

By the time the young man got there, he had lost all confidence and asked me to show him how to deposit money. I said I hadn't used this particular bank's deposit ATM yet but would try, and wouldn't look at his PIN. No problem, he said, it wasn't his account so he didn't care! It soon became quite clear why everyone took so long and needed help. There were three options, none of which made any sense whatsoever. I went off to call another bank official, who casually told us that we had to press a particular option three times and it would override any questions. I asked how anyone using the machine could have known that and whether they didn't think it a good idea to put up a big sign to let everyone know the peculiarities of the system, but she didn't reply or even acknowledge my query - she just repeated that you must just press the button three times. So far so good - the young man gets to the part where the slot opens to take the notes and in they go. After some rumblings inside, the machine spits out four notes - rejected. Why? he asks. The machine doesn't like wrinkled notes, was the answer. What? Have you ever seen a bank note without a wrinkle after the first use? This brings a whole new meaning to money laundering. So he goes through the whole routine again, and puts the notes back in - two are rejected this time. By now his language is deteriorating and with each press of a button a new expletive is added. The entertainment value was looking up!

Behind us the queue IS longer than any teller's queue in the conventional banking hall and it's obvious that the machine is not serving the purpose for which it was intended. He takes out another card and scrapes every last crinkle from those notes and on the third rejection, gives up and substitutes them with another note. By now I have been in the queue for 25 minutes to deposit R100.

With all the training and experience I have just undergone, my transaction goes off without a hitch in a matter of seconds, so I manage not to make a fool of myself in front of the previously disadvantaged queue behind me. Before I leave, they beg me to call a bank official to come and help them all!

I wonder how long it will take the bank to get IT to make it more user friendly? That bank which doesn't charge high fees is waiting just around the corner!