Technologically challenged and ready to do damage

I freely admit that when it comes to the wiring of computers and their accoutrements, I am severely technically challenged. I have bought the new modem, and had it set up by the technician in the shop, who assured me that I would just have to plug it in and it would work. The Telkom man connected everything and showed me that I would just have to plug the phone line into the splitter. It all seemed so simple.

I connected it as instructed - there were no spare holes to plug into - and of course I still have no internet. The wireless connection is there, as always, but the ADSL connection still does not exist. Back to the drawing board. Phone Telkom who say that although the fault which I logged in the week had been confirmed by them as fixed (as I also assumed, the man having worked on the line for 45 mins yesterday), they could see that there was no ADSL connection and they would work on it straight away. Does this mean it was not the modem that was faulty? Have I been fooled into wasting R1 000?

I phoned the man who did the installation of the modem at the shop and he told me that my service provider must have changed the username and password. How on earth did he come to that conclusion? Why would they even think of doing that when they didn't have any reason to? Anyway, I get an sms from Telkom to say they have now fixed the ADSL line and I must confirm that it is working. It's not. So I phone MWeb where I can barely understand what the woman is saying due to her very heavy accent (English is not her first language) but whatever she was saying was not progressing the problem and she got cut off anyway so that was a complete waste of time.

So I still have no ADSL connection. No one is able to help me fix the problem because communication is impossible. Do I have to pay a computer expert to come to my house to do the connection? Why was I told by everyone that I would just have to plug it in? Is it possible that I am a Complete Idiot? Am I the only one who doesn't know how to fix these problems? When is it going to be sorted out and by whom?

If anyone out there has anything in the slightest bit useful to say, please do so.