Speechless for once

I joined Toastmasters last night.The very formal structure is something quite new to me as it's the kind of thing I have successfully avoided all my life.The aim of Toastmasters is to mentor would-be public speakers to develop sufficient skills to deliver a speech without hesitation, repetition, um, ah, er, so and okay, within a strictly controlled time limit. This sounds like an audience's dream and can certainly be recommended for those who are liable to be interviewed by the media. How excruciating are the incoherent mumblings of those who are caught unawares by questions they don't know how to answer.

A section of the evening is taken up by Table Topics, where you are given a topic or suggestion and must deliver a one to two minute speech immediately on the subject. I was asked to do one, as a visitor, and my first reaction was no, I'm not ready, and then I realised that that was what I was there for, and said yes.

I'm not usually at a loss for words. I had to take an object out of a bag and then address the audience, who were my Valentine, as to why I was giving them this Valentine's gift. It was a calculator.

Now a calculator is the last thing I would give as any sort of gift and as I stood there, nothing raced through my mind. The clock was ticking as I desperately tried to think of any word that would make sense. "I'm speechless," was all I could say. They liked that, so I thought a little more and Shakespeare came to my rescue. "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." Laughter and applause. And that was it. I told them that there was no way I could connect a calculator with a Valentine or marriage as you couldn't really work out what the result would be. And that was my first speech at Toastmasters.

We were all evaluated afterwards for timing and how many umms we had used. Amazingly enough, I apparently used real words and was recorded as 'very good' despite having said practically nothing! This is very encouraging for the future.

Applause and laughter can be addictive - and completely harmless to your health. I can see why so many actors prefer a live audience to film. Oh, I neglected to mention that they videoed our speeches. They have promised under oath not to release them on YouTube.